Spock Attack and A Prank on the Dark King
by wolfshalom
Summary: These are 2 chapter from my story "The Experiment" (chapters 26 and 27) that can basically stand alone. They seemed funny so, I figured I'd share them so you guys can have a few laughs.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 26**

It takes an hour for them to thoroughly clean the barn and another hour to move in the necessary supplies. I stand on the porch, watching the progress from a distance. Kirk stands beside me and eyes the workers critically. Everyone else had left with the Enterprise's crew to assist with repairs leaving Khan, Spock, Kirk, Bones, Aaron, and me at home.

"Why are you guys doing all this? Wouldn't it be better for you to keep injured people at the SAR?" Kirk asks and I shrug at him. There's no way I'm telling him the truth—not if I want them to live. Because of Khan, anyone who has even a drop of Augment blood in them is seen as a monster; I won't sit back and watch them die because society doesn't think they have the right to live.

These kids had enough of that from the _real _monsters: Sector 31.

Captain Kirk may be a good man, but even he has to follow orders. And good men following the orders of the wicked are still accomplishing evil despite their intentions-good or bad.

"They're in quarantine for the time and I won't have them around my employees, Captain: a few of them have the stomach flu and we're shorthanded enough without everyone being out sick, especially with new recruits to train up."_ Technically, it's not exactly a lie—a few are actually sick…I just left out their origins…no biggie._

"Don't you have rooms that'll isolate them there…or maybe send them home?"

"The fresh air will do them good, captain. This isn't my first rodeo, you know, and I'm more than capable of handling the flu, _sir. _As for the 'send them home' option, unfortunately, they're all orphans. Perhaps, it would be better if you could command your people in peace and I command mine without your criticism, hm?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you weren't capable of leading your people. I just think it's a little strange—."

"I understand this." I say quickly, cutting him off. "But they are my responsibility."

"And where did you find them? Kind of a lot of people to just 'show up' one day, huh?"

"As I said, they're orphans. And they didn't 'show up': I asked them to join. This way they get shelter and food and I get more help. It's a win a win."

"But do you really need so many? And at such a young age?" Normally, I would be glad that someone was concerned about their welfare other than me, but this was getting annoying.

"Captain, let my rephrase my previous statement: stop telling me how to do my job or get your people and get out. Understood?"

His eyes narrow slightly and he nods. "Sure."

**…**

"So, tell me, Mr. Spock: how is your _dear_ mother doing these days?" Khan asks with mock innocence and Spock's eyebrows twitch—the only disturbance of motion on his otherwise still and passive face.

"My mother died several years ago when the planet Vulcan was destroyed, and what, may I inquire, sparked your sudden interest in her?"

"And how exactly did it _feel_ to watch her die, Mr. Spock?" Khan ignores his question, and a corner of his lips twitches upwards as the words leave his mouth, and he narrows his eyes in cold amusement. "But then again, you _can't_ _feel_, can you?" Spock's body quivers slightly with anger and his hands curl into loose fists, his eyes hardening into smoldering coals.

Khan continues to mercilessly goad the furious Vulcan calmly, his icy blue eyes dancing with excited mirth: "Did you love her Mr. Spock or is love _yet another_ emotion that_ eludes _you?" Khan says smoothly and Spock launches himself across the table with a roar, his fist connecting squarely with the Augment's jaw and the two men fall to the ground in a tangle of fists and fury just as Ze'eva and Kirk walk into the room.

"What in the the—?" Kirk says, stopping abruptly. "Spock! Khan! Stop this!" The two ignore him, too angry to hear his words. Ze'eva cocks her head to the side: one function of Khan's collar was to stop him from hurting people—apparently mental pain was not a factor.

_Interesting..._

"Spock!" Kirk lunges forward to grab his first officer's shirt and Khan leaps deftly away from the Vulcan and Spock plows into a wall. "Stand down!" He gets between Spock and the grinning Augment and glares at his first officer and Khan in turn, not once flinching away from Khan's chilly stare. "And that's an order!" He snaps.

Slowly, the Vulcan's breathing slows and evens and he nods slightly before standing. "My apologies, Captain." He walks out the room and outside, not once faltering in his steps.

"And you!" Kirk wheels around to glare at Khan. "What did you say to him?" The young Captain demands and Khan strides over to him and looms over him threateningly, Khan's smile still plastered to his face.

"What _did_ I say?" Khan feigns ignorance before shrugging. "Must have slipped my mind... _Captain_." He strides coyly away, his chin held high in the air and arrogance radiating off of him in tsunami sized waves. His bedroom door eases closed and Ze'eva sees Kirk open and close his fists angrily.

**…**

"Can you believe that guy?" Kirk yells and I shrug lightly.

"That was certainly…not good." I agree. "Do you want to maybe check on your first officer?" I suggest. "You know, see if he's okay? He looked pretty upset and by the way he practically ran out the door…"

Kirk nods, catching on. "Alright, good thinking. Bones!"

"Dammit, Jim! I was already on my way! Let's hunt him down and give him a full medical examination. You don't think I'll need a sedative do you?" McCoy asks as he breezes past Kirk, and Kirk rolls his eyes.

"No, Bones. I don't think that will be necessary." The two stride outside towards the forest after their Vulcan friend and I sigh with relief.

"About time they left." I mutter.

"I agree." Khan is standing in the kitchen, leaning casually against the doorway. "It is a shame it can't stay that way."

"You do realize, that that was rude, right?"

"Of course, I assumed that was obvious; that was why I did it."

"Alright but no more. I can't have you two ripping each other's throats out and getting someone hurt." Khan's eyes narrow at the order but I refuse to back down. "My children are _not_ going to get hurt because of your _boneheaded_ desire to anger some random Vulcan, and I already have enough to worry about financially without having to buy new furniture to replace what _you_ broke. Come on, you're like, what, thirty five? Grow up, man."

I turn to walk away and he grabs me sharply by my shoulder and forces me to turn around, his fingers digging into the flesh. Not quite painful, but pretty darn close.

"I would be careful with what I say if I were you," He growls.

"Or you'll what?" I retort. "Get a thousand watts of electricity through your skull and flop like a fish on my floor?" I jerk my shoulder out of his grasp and meet his glare with one of my own. "Yeah," I say sarcastically. "That'll show me, huh?"

"You dare challenge me?"

"Not 'challenge'— teach. Your actions today were childish; if you're so superior then_ act_ like it. This will change nothing. He'll still hate you and you will continue to hate him: nothing is getting accomplished."

"I am sorry." He says lightly but I shake my head.

"No you're not. You'll only do it again. If you were _truly_ sorry, you wouldn't have done it in the_ first place._ Did it ever occur to you that my son could have been in the room? What would have happened then, Khan? Did it ever occur to you that he was right upstairs?! What would have happened if he decided to walk down and see what was going on, huh? He could have died! Is your petty feud that important," I glare at him and he squirms a little under my scrutiny.

"But he wasn't in here." He says smoothly.

"But if he _had_ been?"

"What does it matter?" He snarls suddenly. "What does it matter if I ever improve? What is the point of living when my crew does not? What is the point of life if everything is lost in the end anyway? If everyone still dies? What does it matter if he dies today or fifty years from now if the end result is still achieved?"

I shrug. "What's the point of violence or manipulation if you have already failed to achieve your intended goals?" I shoot back at him and he flinches at my words as if I had just struck him, "You used those tactics before and failed—maybe those are the wrong tools to utilize, hm? Maybe it would beneficial to actually try to be _pleasant_ around your enemies?" I shrug. "What've you got to lose, right?"

**…**

"Captain, for the final time, I am neither inured nor do I need to 'talk about my feelings'. I would appreciate it if I could walk in peace. The doctor has already examined me and found that I am not in any way injured: there is no basis for your concern."

"Spock! You need to talk about it! You lost control and attacked a man. The fact that it was Khan makes it no better, Spock."

"Captain, I am fine—Vulcans do not lie." Spock says evenly.

"But you are upset, Spock-that never happens to you!"

"Multiple beings are upset during numerous times of the day; I believe that this would be what you would consider 'normal,' correct? And do not humans enjoy outward displays of emotion, Captain? Shouldn't my...'outburst' be somewhat of a relief to you to know that I do in fact _have_ emotions?" Spock asks curiously.

Kirk sighs and smiles at his friend. "Okay, fine. Whatever. Just don't do it again, okay?"

"Affirmative, Captain. Again, I apologize for my actions."

"Oh, no. It's not me you have to apologize to—it's Khan and Ze'eva."

Spock's eyebrow quirks upward. "Captain?" Ze'eva, he could understand but Khan? He expected him to apologize to _Khan_? How was that logical?

"You heard me. Come on." If Kirk didn't know any better, he'd say the Vulcan's shoulders were dropping slightly in defeat. McCoy sighed and shook his head at them.

"And so it begins." Bones says with a roll of his eyes before stomping after them.

**…**

"How are you feeling?" I ask, looking at Khan carefully. "Any injuries I should be aware of, Khan?"

"And why the sudden concern?" Khan asks looking bored.

"It's what I do, remember? Do you seriously have to question everything? Why so cynical?"

**...**

The door opens before he can responds and Spock walks in, no emotion showing on his face and Bones and Kirk follow in his wake, both of them smiling as if they'd snagged a cookie from the cookie jar and gotten away with it. Khan watches them suspiciously and his blue eyes watch them for any sign of hostility. But...they don't appear to be angry. In fact, they seem to be fighting the urge to laugh.

_Hm…this can't be good_. _What did they do?_

**...**

"Khan." Spock addresses tonelessly. "Ze'eva." We turn to him and wait. "I apologize for my actions earlier. They were uncalled for and…" He pauses and Kirk laughs a little before coughing to cover it up.

"Right, sorry." Kirk apologizes sheepishly when Spock glances at him and Bones rolls his eyes at him. "Carry on, then, Spock...just...ignore me."

"As I was saying, I am sorry. That is all." He walks away and Kirk finally dissolves into laughter and McCoy joins in with him. Khan smirks slightly and I shake my head at all three of them. Tears stream from their eyes and even Khan seems to be smirking.

"I'm surrounded by children." I mutter.

***Evil Laughter* Sorry, guys, I just couldn't resist the Spock Attack and figured the apology would be nice little twist. Haha, poor guy. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**I haven't had a whole lot of funny chapters yet so…I man have decided to be just a wee bit goofy in this one. Hope you like pranks and violence. :D**

**Chapter 27**

I'm reading in the kitchen and Cassie takes one look at me and laughs. I raise an eyebrow and give her a funny look.

"What?"

"You're weird." She laughs again and I smirk ever so slightly.

_I'm the weird one? You created life through your cooking and forced me to eat it! That was torture!_

"You're just catching this now?" I tease. "You know, you must not be a very good doctor." I laugh and bolt away as she sends a pillow at my head. Khan walks into the room and examines us both coolly in turn before rolling his eyes walking back out. "See? Your horrible observation skills scared him away." I say before rushing out the door with Cassie charging after me.

I don't run as fast as I could which, consequently, gives Cassie all the opportunity to tackle me to the ground. We mock wrestle for a minute, Cassie gasping slightly. Shoving her lightly in the shoulder, I jump gracefully to my feet and turn to walk away. She grabs hold of my ankle and sends me sprawling hands and knees into the brittle navy blue grass.

"I win." She says, her shoulders resting proudly on her hips and I roll my eyes.

"Do you now?" And then we're back on the ground, throwing up clumps of dirt as the fight is rekindled. I will_ not_ lose!

"And what, may I ask, are you two doing?" Spock walks up and we break apart instantly. Cassie turns red under the Vulcan's emotionless stare and she's covered, head to toe, in white dirt, her hair sticking up wildly in every direction and I must not look much better.

"Combat practice." I say smoothly and the Vulcan raises an eyebrow at me. "We are going over various mistakes that new fighters make in close combat situations and Cassie seemed to be struggling in that area."

"And so you offered to teach her?" He inquires, his eyebrow rises still higher—if it goes any further up, it'll be completely vertical. _Cool._

"Affirmative, Mr. Spock." I raise myself clumsily to my feet and brush some of the white dirt off of my arms. "And she seems to have gained more understanding with the physical demonstration." He nods slowly as if he didn't quite believe me and walks away quickly.

"If that was an attempt to lie," Khan walks up. "I say it failed."

"Nah," I pick a few twigs out of my hair. "It worked perfectly. Now he won't suspect my malicious motives to take over the world. Isn't it wonderful?" I help Cassie up and she shoves me playfully into Khan. He shoves me away.

"And God help us all if you succeed." She says, jumping just out of reach before I can smack her.

"You two are strange." Khan remarks.

"Hm." I cock my head to the side.

"What?" Khan asks his expression now neutral and void of emotion.

"You're like Cassie." I say and he glares at me, "You'd make an awful doctor due to your poor observational skills, but's okay: your secret's safe with me, pops."

I run away from him and into the house, half expecting him to kill me. Quickly, I whip into the kitchen and crouch by the sink and very slowly start to rise up from the ground to peek out through the window before dropping down just as fast.

"What are you doing?" Bones questions me and I shrug.

"Pranking a serial killer—want to help? Nothing can possibly go wrong," I say innocently as I try to fight back a smile (I can't) and he rolls his eyes at me in silent exasperation. He looks up at the roof and mouths 'just kill me now. Please'. Before turning back to me. Apparently, he has the same exact level of hope in humanity as I do: none.

"Sure," He says sarcastically. Why not?" Another eye roll. I grin and press a can of shaving cream into his hands and his brown eyes narrow in confusion.

"When you see Khan come through the door, spray this at his face and then run." I say with a sly smile and he blinks in surprise as if I had just told him to do punch the president or something.

"Why?" He asks.

_Oh, doctor. Helpless, naive doctor. You have a lot to learn, young grasshopper, about the ancient art of the 20th century American ideology called the 'YOLO'._

"Why not?" I shoot back at him. He shakes his head at me in more silent exasperation and sighs. "And where should I stand?" He says sarcastically-I decide to take it literally.

"By the door—where else?" Isn't this obvious, dude? Come on, I think. Use your head. "And don't forget to run!" I whisper before rushing out the room.

"Don't worry!" He calls back, "I won't forget!"

_I'd hope not, not with an angry Augment trying to rip your head off._

"What are you doing, Mrs. Ze'eva?" Spock inquires with a slight nod to his head. He is sitting on the floor of the living room, lotus style, his eyes closed in concentration.

_How in the world did he know it was me?!_

"Something dangerous and completely reckless—want to help?"

"That does not sound logical." He answers.

"It involves getting revenge on Khan." I bait him and he opens his eyes to look at me.

"And what do you want me to do?" He asks. _Yes! I knew it would work!_

"Hold this." I press an air horn into his open palm, "And blow in Khan's face."

"And why would I do that?" Spock inquires emotionlessly.

"Because it would be _funny_, but after you blow it, you need to make sure to _run_…because he will try to kill you…just a tad."

"Is there a purpose to this outside of revenge?" Spock asks and I shake my head.

"It'd be humorous. Good luck." I turn to leave.

"And where are you going?" Spock asks and I smile evilly.

"Perhaps it'd be best if you didn't know."

**…**

Only five minutes have passed. He had expected Ze'eva to come back outside with a light smile and some kind of lame joke about something obscure or mundane…but she never comes back out. Yawning, he walks towards the house and opens the door.

That's when it happens.

Something white and thick rushes towards his face and he jerks back. Roaring, his eyes lock onto the doctor from the _Enterprise_. The man gulps and runs wildly from the room. Khan gives chase. He races after the terrified man like an enraged tiger. He runs into the living room and a loud noise assaults him to his left. He turns and sees the back of Spock's head as the Vulcan rushes out the door and outside. And enraged fire kindles in Khan's chest. With another heart-stopping roar he races after his foe.

Sunlight blinds him for a moment and something hard plows into his stomach and flies into his eyes. The air abandons his lungs and he wheezes on the ground.

"You should have seen your face!" Someone—Ze'eva—laughs and he cracks his eyes open to see the front of his shirt covered in white. He swipes a finger across his shirt and sniffed the powder experimentally: flour. Icy blue eyes narrow in barely concealed rage and Ze'eva doubles on the the ground, tears streaming from her eyes.

**…**

"What. Are. You. Doing?" Kirk asks. He sees Bones and Spock watching passively as Khan holds Ze'eva upside down by one leg and shakes her.

"We're just hanging out…" Ze'eva says, her face going red from the blood rushing to her head.

"And practicing close combat techniques." Khan adds with a smirk before dropping the woman unceremoniously on the ground and walking off, making sure to kick dirt into her face as he disappears inside. Spock raises an eyebrow at him in remembrance of Ze'eva's statement earlier about teaching Cassie how to fight and the corner of his mouth twitches upwards slightly into a small, secretive smile. Ze'eva simple laughs.

"Do I want to know?" Kirk asks and she laughs harder, shaking her head.

"No." She says breathlessly, "Probably not."


End file.
